Making Spouse Time Count!!

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After 13 years of being together, 10 years of marriage, two kids, crazy work schedules and church  responsibilities...my husband and I have both had the prompting to really focus on our marriage.  With my husbands schedule of being on call 24 hours a day 5 days a week for the last 5 years and  even working some of those days off we really have not spent quality time together, like just me and him.  We haven't been on a date in years!! He hasn't been able to come to church with us for years, and it's really starting to take a toll on our relationship.


Both of us are very easygoing people.  We hardly ever fight, in fact, we NEVER fight.  We have little disagreements, but that's it! Our marriage has actually been really good.  We haven't had any major tials in our marriage and I think THAT has been our downfall.  We haven't felt the need to actually work on US and you know if if you're not working on something then you're moving backwards.   I have heard that about so many aspects of life but it's it's hard to see it when you're caught up in the whirlwind of it all. Seeing my husband so stressed out about work and feeling the effects of late-onset PPD has really made me NEED my husband. I have just dealt with him not being here for so long that it became normal and with the PPD I finally saw that it's not normal, and it shouldn't be normal.

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Click for PRINTABLE

That's when I had a friend recommend a book.  I read The Five Love Languages before and talked with my husband about it but, it didn't have anything specific lined out for marriage. So, when I heard about this book called His Needs Her Needs,  I immediately bought it from Audible so my husband and I could both listen to it. I downloaded it to both our phones and although he hasn't finished it yet (he still working on it) I finished it in maybe a week .

Use the hearts to indicate what your spouse can do to better meet
that specific emotional need NOW.
Not every emotional need WILL have an action item for your spouse

It makes so much sense!! It has just helps me to understand better how to show my husband that I love him and how to help him understand how to show me that he loves me.   But also how each of us can just help improve our relationship with one another. So, after reading this book, actually during reading this book, I got on this Marriage Builders website and we each took the assessment test to determine what our key emotional needs are at this time in our lives.

The following sounds so cold and un romantic(is that a word), but I promise, it's worth it!!

We sat down and we discussed  them openly and honestly.  Pretty much, as suggested, we were telling each other where the other one could improve in showing love and HOW to do so.  You don't usually sit down and teach someone how to love you, but you do "teach" them inadvertently by things you say and do everyday.

It was a little hard and awkward because we don't usually do that.  We're not raised to think that marriages take work.  Growing up, I had this vision that marriage was rainbows and butterflies.  I will even admit that I have thought that being in love meant that things will just "work out".  No matter what you have go on around you, you'll always be able to count on this person.  I thought that if you live together, and have kids together, that if you love someone so much, that would be enough.

It was a shock to step out of that and into the reality that fantastic marriages take work, and though it has been hard, it was refreshing to feel like we haev been making the shift towards that kind of fantastic relationship. We are done letting life lead us and our relationship.  We have chosen to be intentional, and so should you!  We decided to sit down once a quarter and not only asses our own emotional needs but to sit down and discuss the needs of our family as a whole.  This is separate from Family council, which we hold mothly.

There are so many things that we could focus on as parents that it can get a little daunting, especially so if you are not on the same page as your spouse.  You think the kids need to focus on their recreational activities and growing in their talents and your spouse thinks they need to focus on their spirituality.  Both are great, but when you and your spouse have agreed on what's true priority ahead of time, it makes decisions so much easier.

printable link

We decided to only focus on three key priorities at a time.  Three specific areas of life that we are going to work on for the quarter to make our family better, stronger and just happier.  I came up with this printable after our initial sit-down session and I'm  I just used my notes to create a little template for what we talked about and the action steps that we need to take.  I figured this would be really helpful for anybody who wants or needs to really refocus on making their marriage stronger.

One last thing I want to emphasize that Willard talks about in the His Needs Her Needs book is the amount of time that spouses should spend together.  He has assessed many relationships and has determined that people need to spend at least 15 hours a week with their spouse in order to have a healthy, strong relationship.

With my husband schedule it has been beyond hard to fit this in.   Using Google Calendar has been really, really helpful because I've been able to schedule it all out.   We can sit down at the end of the week and schedule the upcoming week.  Even though things don't always work out perfectly, we at least have a plan and we know that we both need to work together to accomplish that plan.  We have both been getting up a little earlier, and making sure the kids get to bed on time.  We have even planned out date nights!!  I'm excited about that!

If you have never used Google Calendar, check it out!!  I plan on making a quick tutorial on how I use it in the near future!  So keep an eye out!

As always, let me know what you think by leaving a comment below, or message me with other things you struggle or need support with.